


The Fight Within my Mind

by reunitingmerthur



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Mental Illness, Merthur - Freeform, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, canon AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-09-03
Packaged: 2018-01-26 19:56:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1700588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reunitingmerthur/pseuds/reunitingmerthur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin begins to lose the world to live. Merlin the young man who always smiles, who always jokes around, who brings happiness where he goes begins to fight…fight with his own mind.<br/>His mental illness is well hidden from his loved ones but not for long until Arthur follows him one day.<br/>Will Merlin overcome his battle with his mind or lose to death?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Merlin woke up like any other day, groaning as the sunlight beams from outside shone from his window onto his eyes. He lay awake oblivious to the world for a few seconds before sighing and actually getting out of bed. He quickly changed from his nightclothes into his everyday outfit and brushed a hand through his hair before walking down the small steps to meet Gaius in the next room for breakfast. A bowl was on the table; meaning Merlin must be slightly later than usual getting up. “Morning” he cheerfully told Gaius showing him a teethed grin before yawning.

“Morning Merlin, breakfast is on the table,” he announced and Merlin nodded before picking up the bowl and gulping down the contents of it as quickly as possible. After a few minutes he said a brief bye to Gaius and headed up to Arthur’s chambers to go and awake Camelot’s ‘fine’ King.

Merlin walked into Arthur’s room to see him still asleep in bed. Merlin sighed before walking over to the window and drawing the curtains before walking over to Arthur’s bed and pulling the covers off of him. “Arthur it’s morning, get up,” Merlin chuckled and Arthur opened one eye mumbled something before turning over and reaching to grab the cover over his head. Merlin pulled the cover away from Arthur and Arthur groaned again. “Come on Arthur, you need to get up.” Merlin sighed and then walked over to the desk and picked up a list of jobs for Arthur today. “Today you have a council meeting deciding on the fate of the prisoners captured yesterday and to decide a new law to be given to the lower towns to protect them. You also have to train your knights after lunch before doing your night watch. So today is a pretty quiet and relaxing day.” Merlin told Arthur. Merlin turned around and Arthur was staring at him still lying in his bed. “Arthur you need to get up sometime soon” and Arthur groaned again and put his hands over his face. “I’m going to go and get your breakfast and when I come back I hope you have at least managed to stand up out of bed” Merlin said throwing a cheeky grin at Arthur before rushing down to the kitchen and request Arthur’s breakfast. Merlin got back to Arthur’s room in no time, having no trouble on the way. He walked into the room to see Arthur getting changed. Arthur jumped at Merlin’s presence.  
“Do you ever knock?” Arthur grumbled obviously not in a good mood…  
“I did say I was only going to get your breakfast so surely you’d use that tiny brain of yours to realise it would be me coming back with your food.”  
“You do realise you can’t address me like you do right?” Arthur questioned while Merlin placed the breakfast onto the table and walked over to Arthur.  
“You’ve never stopped me though right?” Merlin shrugged and helped Arthur put on his shirt because he had already managed to put on his trousers by himself. Once Arthur was changed he sat at the table to eat his breakfast while Merlin picked up his dirty clothes to throw them into a basket and mentally noted to wash them in a bit. Arthur had finished his food before being requested to go down to the council chamber for the meeting.

Merlin sighed and let the smile he had plastered on his face fall. He really wasn’t in the mood to do his job today he just wanted to go back to the bed and sleep for years. He didn’t want to have any contact with anyone. He just wanted to be alone. He was tired. He was exhausted. He constantly felt like he was battling his mind for some unknown reason. It all started a couple of months ago…

_“Merlin for goodness sake why do you have to be so useless?” Arthur shouted at Merlin because he had fallen asleep on his job and the horses had escaped. “Why do I even keep you in the job? There is obviously someone a lot better than you at this. You’re just stupid, reckless and useless at this job. Can you do anything right at all? Can you do something good for once in your life?” Arthur ranted at Merlin in the stables. Merlin kept quiet and didn’t reply. “I am going to go and find those horses while you have to tidy my chambers, tidy all the stables, polish all the armies boots before you get put in the stocks and maybe, just maybe you’ll learn from these punishments to stop being so god damn stupid.” Arthur practically screamed at him before storming out of the stables leaving Merlin alone to do all his chores._

_Merlin looked around the stables and sighed. He really can’t do anything right? No one actually needs him in his or her life right? Why doesn’t he just disappear? He is stupid. He is reckless. He is useless. He is a disappointment to both Gaius and his mother, plus to Arthur. Stupid. Reckless. Useless. Disappointment. Stupid…Reckless…Useless…Disappointment._

And since that day he didn’t know what triggered him but something did and those four words – Stupid, reckless, useless and disappointment – have just been in the back of his mind. He sat down one night and just cried for some unknown reason. He does that a lot more now. It’ll be time to sleep and he just feels so down. He can’t even explain it. When he’s alone he just feels down. Even when he has his smile plastered on his face and trying to make people laugh he still just feels down. He doesn’t know how to describe it. He just feels so, so…down. Not even any emotion, just down and empty, with nowhere to go.

Merlin decided to busy himself and do a big clean of Arthur’s room. He stripped the bedding and reapplied some new bed sheets before sweeping and dusting the whole room. He took Arthur’s eaten breakfast down to the kitchen before walking back up to Arthur’s to collect all the things that need to be washed and threw them into a basket. He rushed out of Arthur’s room quickly. He needed to do complete all of Arthur’s chores as quickly as possible because he promised Gaius he would help him deliver his potions to his patients this early afternoon.

Merlin was running down the corridors when I ran into someone. “I am so sorry” He apologised.  
“And so you should be” An unfamiliar voice boomed. He looked up at saw a big built strong man looking down on his. “Now move out of my way stupid fool.” Stupid.  
“Yes sorry” Merlin apologised and moved out of the way mumbling ‘prat’ under his breath which was a bad idea because the next second he was being pushed up against the stone wall and the basket full of washing had been dropped to the floor by his feet.  
“What did you say peasant.” The man snarled.  
“Nothing to worry you,” Merlin’s voice squeaked because the man was literally crushing him into the wall and then the man shoved him.  
“What did you say?” The man repeated with more anger in his voice.  
“Is everything alright here?” Merlin heard a familiar voice say. He knew it was Gwaine straight away.  
“Just teaching this useless peasant the rules of nobility” useless. The man growled at Gwaine before shoving Merlin straight into the wall and making Merlin’s head hit the stone wall behind him with force. The man walked away and Merlin felt dazed but just gave Gwaine a half-hearted smile before picking up the basket full of Arthur’s dirty washing.  
“Are you alright Merlin?” Gwaine asked and Merlin just nodded and smiled before rushing off to go and wash the clothes.

Once Merlin had finally finished all his chores including polishing Arthur’s armour he rushed back to home to meet Gaius to do his chores and errands for him. He walked in and Gaius was working on his worktable. Gaius turned around to look at Merlin and smiled “Ahh Merlin just in time.” And Merlin nodded before sitting down briefly while Gaius told him who needs what potion. Gaius handed over the potions to him and Merlin stood up turned around and started to walk out the room when Gaius pulled him back. “Boy what have you done to your head?” Gaius asked and Merlin looked confused and then touched the back of his head and lifted his hand to see blood there. Merlin had felt some pain from when the man shoved him into the wall and his head had hit the wall but the pain kind of refreshed him. He didn’t know why it refreshed him. The pain just allowed him to clear his head and made him feel alive. He just kind of pushed the thought to the back of his brain because he didn’t think it was normal to find pain pleasurable. He started to panic within his mind.  
“Oh um, its nothing.” Merlin shrugged off and got out of Gaius’ grip.  
“Don’t be so silly. Sit down and let me attend it before the cut gets infected.” Gaius told him and pulled his arm. Merlin tried to pull away protesting that it didn’t matter and he needed to run these errands for Gaius. However Gaius still won and ended up attending Merlin’s head and making sure the cut wasn’t deep.

Gaius’ diagnosis of Merlin was that the cut wasn’t too deep to do any damage but it must have hurt. “So Merlin you’re telling me that you didn’t feel any pain whatsoever from that fairly big cut in your head?” Gaius asked concerned.  
“Like I’ve already said, I didn’t feel anything.” Merlin lied and looked at the floor in a guilty manner.  
“Merlin, you would be a fool to lie to me. You’ve been living with me for a good few years now. I know you. I know you’re lying.” Merlin shrugged off Gaius’ comment and stood up.  
“It doesn’t matter Gaius.” He told him before walking off with the potions to deliver them to Gaius’ patients.

 

Merlin was just in Gaius’ room doing his chores when he and Gaius both got called to the council chambers to welcome a new noble into Camelot. Merlin stood with Gaius in the big all and then the doors opened and more people flooded in and then a path was cleared for the noble. As the noble walked in he recognised the man straight away. Merlin’s eyes went wide. It was the man from earlier. The man smirked at Merlin briefly before introducing himself as Sir Thomas of Arenfield before bowing down to Arthur. Arthur did the whole welcoming thing and Merlin’s stomach was in knots. “Sir Thomas will be staying with him for a month on his travels. So please welcome him dearly.” Arthur finished off the speech. A month? A lot can happen in a month…Merlin thought.


	2. Chapter 2

 Okay so maybe having Sir Thomas live in Camelot for a week wasn’t that bad. Except for the odd name-calling and the odd shove here and there but Merlin managed to hide from him for most of the week. However the memory of him hitting his head and enjoying the pain was running through his head all the time. He didn’t know why though. It’s pain. Pain should hurt? Why did he relief from it? What was his mind telling him?

 

Merlin shook his thought away as he walked into Arthur room one afternoon to go and give Arthur his lunch. Arthur was sitting at the table waiting when Merlin walked in with his food. “Ahh just in time,” Arthur smiled at Merlin and Merlin just simply nodded. Merlin had given up plastering a smile to his now. He only smiles when he truly wanted to. He was fed up of acting like he was fine when he definitely wasn’t. Merlin walked over to the messy bed which he hadn’t had time to make up next. “So what do you think of Sir Thomas?” Arthur asked and Merlin shrugged and made a noise. “And what exactly does that mean?” Arthur asked a little bit confused.

“He’s fine. He’s good. He’s a good man sire.” Merlin managed to say completely lying to Arthur because he hates Sir Thomas but he can’t exactly say that about a guest at Camelot.

“Oh come off it Merlin. I know you don’t like him. Since when do you keep your opinion to yourself?” Arthur joked.

“I said he’s fine sire.” Merlin grumbled and carried on making up the bed.

“What’s wrong Merlin? I’m worried about you. First you stop cracking those terrible jokes of yours. Then that big smile of yours, which everyone loves, isn’t on your face anymore and now you’re calling me Sire. You never call me sire. What’s wrong Merlin? What’s happened?” Arthur asked with concern in his voice.

“Nothing is wrong” Merlin mumbled and Arthur was only just able to work out what he said because his voice was that quiet.

“Merlin. Please. You can talk to me you know.” Arthur reassured him and Merlin nodded. Merlin finished off laying the bed and then looked at Arthur’s empty plate and went and picked it up but Arthur stood him before he could. “Sit down Merlin,” Arthur instructed.

“I should really get on with my jobs though Sire.” Merlin said in a whispered.

“Sit” Merlin heard and obeyed. He sat down and hadn’t even looked Arthur in the eye yet. “Look at me Merlin. What’s wrong?” Arthur asked and placed a hand on Merlin’s arm.

“Nothing sire, I’ve already said nothing now please can I go?” Merlin asked and Arthur sighed knowing he’s not going to get anything out of Merlin when he’s like this. Arthur dismissed him and Merlin rushed out the room. His heart was pounding A.) Because of Arthur was touching his arm and for some unknown reason he could still feel the warmth Arthur’s body gave off and it felt like it was burning throughout his whole body and B.) Merlin knew that Arthur was trying to work him out and he didn’t like it when people came that close to him. He is very secretive and has been all his life because of his _magic._ He has never had anyone close to him except Will. Will. Will who was now dead. Will who was his best friend. Will who could help him right now but couldn’t.

 

Merlin felt something wet roll down his face and realised it was a tear. He quickly rubbed his eyes and rushed down the corridors back to his room. Gaius was out at this minute in time so he didn’t have to be confronted by him for rushing into his room with hurry. Merlin’s mind was driving him insane. It was shouting the words of Stupid, Useless, Reckless and disappointment. It was chanting around his mind, drumming into his soul. That’s all he was. Stupid. Useless. Reckless. A disappointment. Merlin rummaged through his things until he found the small dagger that Arthur had actually bought him for his birthday last month. He remembered the surprise when Arthur gave it him because Arthur had never took any recognition towards his birthday before until this year. In fact Arthur has been being very touchy feely this year. Merlin just shrugged it off though. He sunk to the floor with his back against the wall. He clutched the small dagger in his hand and dragged his knees towards his chest. He took deep breaths in and out but his mind was still chanting those four words. He really isn’t needed anymore. He might as well leave. No one needs him. His destiny can go shove itself and leave Merlin alone. He felt the tears run down his face and he dropped the dagger and out his head in his hands and his body was shaking. Shaking with fear. His shallow cries shook the silence in the room. Gaius still wasn’t home but Merlin knew he would be home soon. So Merlin rubbed his eyes, picked up the small dagger and hid it underneath his clothes before leaving the building and walking towards the woods. Merlin didn’t want to see anyone. He just wasn’t _in the mood_ to talk to anyone. He didn’t want to speak. He didn’t want confrontation. He just wished everyone would leave him alone so he could die in his self-pity.

 

Once he had weaved in and out of all the towns’ people he was in the forest. The deep, dark forest. Merlin stood still for a moment and took a deep breath in. He realised he felt relaxed in the darkness. It represented his mind. His dark mind slowly driving him insane, creating a deep whole within his soul, within his life.

 

Merlin began to wave in and out of all the trees. He stopped a few times because he felt like someone was following him except when he turned around he saw no one even there. He picked up his pace trying not to trip over the sticks and twigs lying across the forest floor. He ducked under low branches and made sure he had walked for a good half an hour or so before he stopped. He leant on a big tree next to him and took a few deep breaths in. Why couldn’t he do anything correct? _stupid, useless, reckless, disappointment._

 

Merlin looked around and he could hear or see anyone nearby even if he did have that feeling of someone watching him he just ignored it. He was certain he hadn’t heard anyone as he was walking in a fast pace to get to where he was now.

 

Merlin leant against the tree and he slowly sunk to the floor and hugging his legs up to his chest again, staring at the floor for a few minutes and trying to make sense of his mind. to his body. He suddenly felt the small dagger in it’s case press into his thigh slightly. He moved around so he could get the dagger out. Once he had the dagger in his hand he pushed his legs out and took the dagger out of its case. He twizzled it around in his hand before swiping a finger along the blade. It cut his fingertip open straight away considering it hadn’t been used yet so the blade was still extremely sharp. He closed his eyes and leant his head on the tree he was sitting up against and sighed. He was thinking of all the things he had done wrong since he came to Camelot. All the jobs and chores he had failed. All the times he had ruined Arthur’s hunting trips. All the times when Arthur nearly died. All the times he had failed someone around him. All the times people died because of him. _Will. Freya._ It was overwhelming.

 

Merlin opened his eyes and then ran his finger along the handle of the small blade before taking a long and detailed look around his silent surroundings before he rolled up the sleeve of his tunic. He pressed the blade down on his skin and then lifted it up before he did any damage. A part of him was telling him that this was a bad idea. His superego was trying to turn this sudden turn of events but his ego overtook him because Merlin then reapplied the blade to his wrist and swiped side wards applying pressure to his pale skin. He removed the blade and wiped the blood on the blade on the bottom of his tunic. He looked at wrist and saw the rich red blood colour sweep out of the new cut on his pale wrist, contrasting under the moonlight.

 

Realisation slowly hit Merlin and he realised what he had just done. His breath had hitched and started to panic a little bit then he looked back down at the newly bleeding wound on his wrist and thought _‘I deserve this’._ To follow this thought he applied the blade to his skin 5 more times and he was about to make another break to his skin when he heard a familiar voice and he froze where he was. “Merlin w-what are you doing?” Arthur voice stuttered. Merlin dropped the bloody blade on the floor and he pushed his sleeve down not caring at the fact the blood was going to sweep onto his clothes. Merlin didn’t look up he kept his gaze looking at the floor.

 

Arthur walked forwards to Merlin. He had never seen Merlin look so fragile. Even when Merlin had first arrived in Camelot all scrawny he had never looked so vulnerable and fragile until now. Arthur crept forward with a slow pace towards Merlin. “Merlin?” Arthur asked quietly but Merlin just stared at the floor. Arthur studied the blade that he had dropped and he realises that the dagger is the dagger he bought Merlin for his birthday last month. Arthur then looks at Merlin to see Merlin is still looking at the ground avoiding any eye contact with Arthur and he is also shaking and he could see tears falling down his pale cheeks and glistening in the moonlight. Arthur crouched down and took Merlin’s hands in his own. “Merlin please look at me,” Arthur pleads but Merlin just shakes his head. Arthur rubs circles on Merlin’s hand with his thumbs. Arthur sits down on the floor in front of Merlin because it doesn’t look like they’re going to be moving anytime soon.

 

Arthur picks up the dagger from the floor and wipes it down with the bottom of his tunic not caring about getting Merlin’s blood on him. He then places the dagger back in its case and lays it down next to Merlin. Silence falls around them. Merlin hasn’t moved and Arthur goes back to holding Merlin’s hands and rubbing circles with his thumbs on them to try and calm Merlin because he can see that Merlin is shaking and his breathing is very fast and short. “Merlin, please talk to me. I meant what I said earlier. I might be the King but you can talk to me about anything. Whether it be about your emotions, a secret or just some silly joke. I really want you back Merlin. I miss the old you.” Arthur admits to Merlin however Merlin still doesn’t move. Arthur lets go of one of Merlin’s hands and lifts it up to Merlin face. He pushes Merlin face up so he is looking at Arthur but Merlin’s eyes can’t even look into Arthurs. “Merlin please,” He begs but no response. Merlin’s breathing is still rather fast. “Calm down Merlin, please just calm down. I’m not going anywhere. I am your friend and you are my friend. In fact you’re probably one of my best friends because of how long we’ve known each other and how much we’ve accomplished together. You have saved my life so many times and I am willing to risk my life to save you any day. You tell me your opinions and give me advice without even meaning to and I take your opinion for granted. Did you know that? Your opinion means more to me than anything. Merlin please. Just tell me what’s going on. I know you might find it hard to say anything at first but I won’t run away I am going to be by your side okay.” Arthur confesses and then Merlin nods his head and Arthur squeezes the hand of Merlin that he is still holding.

“I’m sorry Arthur,” a weak voice whispers and Arthur is confused at why Merlin is apologising.

“Why are you apologising? You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I have many things to be sorry for…” Merlin trailed off and silence fell upon them again. “I have done things. Bad things. I am a bad person. I can’t do my job correctly. I’m a disappointment to everyone around me. I fail at everything I try to do. I have this secret that if I tell anyone I’d be executed and I just feel so trapped by this destiny on my shoulders that I can’t even control my mind. I am constantly just feeling…feeling…down. I can’t really describe what I’m feeling. I just don’t feel extreme sorrow but I’m not happy. I’m just numb and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just a stupid, useless and reckless servant who disappoints anyone that comes near me.” Merlin confessed and his breathing was really fast now. He could feel his eyes water. He didn’t want to look at Arthur just yet.

“Merlin why do you think all that? You have saved so many peoples life. You are definitely not stupid, reckless, useless or a disappointment. You have saved my life more times than I can count. You have stuck by me even when I have been a massive prat to you. You disappoint no one. When we went back to Ealdor before your birthday I spoke with your mother and Hunith told me how proud she is of you and what you have achieved while being at Camelot. Gaius is like a father to you and I can see that. He is anything but disappointed to you. Then there is Lancelot, Gwaine, Percival, Elyan, Leon, Gwen your friends. I know you have done so much for them. They all adore you for everything you do. And then there is me. I could never be disappointed in you. You have changed me into a different person. Before you had came to Camelot I was just a spoilt arse who looked down on everyone around him but then you came along and you’ve changed me for the better. You helped make me into the King that this Kingdom deserves and I can’t thank you enough. I wish I had known that this was how you were feeling because you’re always there for me and now here is me being there for you.” Arthur told him and put a hand on his shoulder. “Please just let me in,” Arthur added to the end. Merlin looked up into Arthur’s eyes with his tears lining his eyes.

“B-but none of you would like me if you all knew my true secret and that’s why I can’t let anyone in.” Merlin sighed and then looked away from Arthur again.

“You will never know until you tell us. I want to know. I want you to let me in.” Arthur told Merlin but Merlin flinched and froze because he couldn’t tell Arthur about his magic because he doesn’t want to put Arthur in that position. Arthur could tell Merlin didn’t want to talk about it yet. “We don’t have to talk about it right now though.” And that sentence allowed Merlin to relax but he still didn’t look at Arthur. “But Merlin will you tell me why you were harming your own body?” Arthur asked gently and took Merlin’s hands in his own and went back to rubbing circles with his thumbs on the back of hands. Merlin stayed silent for a few seconds and Arthur was about to say something when Merlin’s quiet voice mumbled something.

“I had a run in with Sir Thomas when he first arrived because you know how I can’t keep my mouth shut at times. He had shoved me against a wall and had a stern word with me because you know I’m a peasant and everything but before he walked away he shoved me really hard into the wall and I hit my head and the pain was pretty painful considering when Gaius had checked it over a few hours after it he told me that if it had been any deeper the cut in my head it would have done some damage. However when I had the pain in my head it sort of…um…s-sort of…” Merlin trailed off but Arthur squeezed Merlin’s hands to comfort him to carry on. “The pain from my head took away all the pain in my mind. This then leads to me being here today to try and get the pain out of my head and I don’t know take it out on myself…” Merlin’s voice whispered towards the end. Merlin looked at Arthur with tears pouring out of his eyes.

“Merlin I’m so sorry,” Arthur told him and pulled Merlin into a massive tight hug. “You shouldn’t harm yourself Merlin. You don’t need to do that. You need to understand that there are people around you that care about you and want to help you. We all love you for you Merlin no matter what.” Arthur whispers in his ear.

“I’m so, so sorry Arthur that you have to see me like this.” Merlin sniffed.

“Don’t be silly, I want to help you. You have just got to let me in okay?” Arthur told Merlin and Merlin agreed.

“Can I tell you my secret another day? I don’t think I have enough strength at the moment to tell you that as well.” Merlin asked obviously Arthur agreed to wait because he doesn’t want to push Merlin over his limit. “Could you take this please?” Merlin asked and handed Arthur the dagger. “I trust you to keep it safe until I feel better like my old Merlin better. I want you to know that I won’t hurt myself again.” Merlin told Arthur with all his trust being handed out. Arthur took the dagger and attached it to his belt. Arthur sat down next to Merlin instead of in front of him and leant up against the same tree as Merlin and then placed an arm around Merlin’s shoulders. “I’ve never known you to be so touchy,” Merlin chuckled and looked into Arthur’s eyes a little glow of light was there.

“It seems you’re getting better already,” Arthur smiled and Merlin beamed a real smile back and then Merlin moved a little bit closer to Arthur and Arthur tightened his grip around Merlin’s shoulders to protect him. Arthur felt like that was his job at the minute was to protect the vulnerable Merlin he had in his arms right now.

“I’m still sorry you had to find me like this though,” Merlin voice squeaked a little bit.

“Merlin stop apologising. I’m glad I found you before you did anymore damage to yourself. I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.” Arthur calmly told Merlin and pulled him even closer to his body. Merlin placed an arm across Arthur and he onto his waist and then he rested his head on Arthur’s chest. Having Merlin so close to Arthur made Arthur’s heart flutter and he didn’t understand why Merlin had that effect on him. “I’m not going anywhere.” Arthur repeated softly and then Merlin closed his eyes and Arthur closed his too.

 

 

Arthur didn’t remember falling asleep but Merlin nudging him woke him up. “Hmm?” Arthur mumbled.

“Arthur we fell asleep. It’s nearly sunrise.” Merlin whispered in Arthur’s ear and it made all his hairs on his bad stand up.

“W-What?” Arthur stuttered and opened his eyes to see Merlin still leaning his head on Arthur’s chest and their legs were tangled together. Arthur still didn’t move though. He never wanted to move. He wanted to stay where they were right now. He forgot about all his responsibilities sitting here with Merlin in the forest. No one could bother them.

“It’s nearly sunrise meaning we ought to get back to Camelot because you were meant to be on night watch and people would probably think you’ve been captured or something silly like that.” Merlin chuckled.

“Just two more minutes.” Arthur grumbled and pulled Merlin closer. Merlin wasn’t going to object to Arthur pulling him closer because he was enjoying it. He had never pictured Arthur and him sitting like this before and if he had ever though of it then he would have freaked out a little bit but he is rather surprised that he likes it.

“Arthur I would rather not go back just yet as well but you kind of have a Kingdom to run and Gaius would be wondering where I was and I don’t want him to worry.” Merlin sighed and started to move from out of Arthur’s grasped. Arthur opened his eyes and pouted at Merlin. “Stop pouting and get up you fat arse,” Merlin chuckled. Arthur stood up with Merlin and then they stood looking at each other and smiled. Arthur stood closer to Merlin and then took his hand in his own linking their fingers together.

“Fine, we better get going then.” Arthur sighed and Merlin shook his head and then they began to walk back to the citadel.

 

Once that had arrived near the wall of the Citadel Merlin moved his hand so they would stop holding hands because the last thing he needed was rumours that he and Arthur are in some sort of relationship or something silly like that. “Arthur we need to stop holding hands or rumours will begin.” Merlin whispered to Arthur but Arthur still held Arthur hand. “Arthur,” Merlin begged.

“Merlin it is nightfall. No one will see us. When he get to the court yard I am taking you straight to your room to sort out your wrist because I don’t want it to get infected.” Arthur told him and Merlin smiled at how caring Arthur is being.

“Okay, I trust you but if a rumour does spread around about us I will murder you.” Merlin joked.

“Ahh but that would be treason then and you know what the punishment is if you commit treason and I’m pretty sure the people around us don’t want us both dead.” Arthur chuckled.

“Okay you’re right…”Merlin lowered his voice.

“What was that? Did you just say I was right? Wow Merlin a compliment? Why thank you?”

“Oh don’t let it get to your head you prat.” Merlin chuckled and then they walked through the gates of Camelot and walked towards the courtyard.

 

As they were walking down on the paths they heard a voice behind them. “Show yourself” They both recognised the voice to be Sir Leon’s. They both turned around and they didn’t let go of their hands but they did hide their tangled hands behind Arthur’s back. “Oh sire, I am so sorry. It’s just it was brought to our notice that you and Merlin were both missing since this afternoon and no one had seen you both so we wanted to make sure that nothing bad had happened which is why a curfew was set for the place until you arrived back.” Leon asked.

“Don’t worry Leon, you were easily mistaken.” Arthur smiled.

“So where were you both? You weren’t in trouble were you?” Leon asked.

“Oh no we were just in the forest, sorry to have trouble everyone.” Merlin told him and Leon nodded before glancing down at the hand which isn’t held onto Arthurs.

“Merlin you’re bleeding, are you sure everything is alright?” Leon asked making sure. Merlin picked up his arm to look at it and then looked at Arthur saying ‘ _please make something up, I don’t want Leon knowing about why I’m bleeding’_ look and luckily Arthur understood Merlin.

“Oh he fell over while we were in the forest which is why we came back to get it sorted out before it got infected.” Arthur lied and Leon took the story anyway and then let them go.

 

They finally got to the courtyard and Arthur dragged Merlin up to Gaius and Merlin’s chambers. When they walked in Gaius was there and a little bit shocked by the entrance. Merlin hid his bleeding arm straight away and didn’t want Gaius to see it because he would question him and Merlin didn’t want Gaius to know about everything. “Gaius” Arthur said greeting him. They had also both dropped holding hands as soon as they saw Gaius. They kind of forgot that Gaius might be in the place as well.

“Arthur, Merlin. Where have you been? People have been worrying because of how long you two have been missing? I couldn’t sleep thinking that something bad had happened when you didn’t come home to sleep Merlin” Gaius told both of the men.

“Oh we were just in the forest, you know…” Merlin started but trailed off because he couldn’t think of what to say.

“Hunting” Arthur added and Merlin looked at Arthur wide eyed.

“Hunting? Wearing what you two were wearing? And with no weapons? At night? In the dark?” Gaius asked suspiciously.

“Yeah, well we put the weapons in the armoury before we came here.” Arthur explained.

“And then why are you here now?” Gaius asked because Arthur hardly ever comes to Merlin and Gaius’ chambers without a reason to.

“I was looking after something for Arthur because he trusted me to keep it safe. It’s in my room and he came to come and get it.” It was now Merlin’s turn to make up something.

“Okay,” Gaius said. Arthur and Merlin looked at each other hoping that Gaius had bought their story in the end. Merlin took Arthur’s hand and pulled him along to his room quickly trying to avoid Gaius’ gaze for any longer. When they got in the room Merlin shut the door behind them.

“You do realise now you’ve got to walk out of here with something?” Merlin chuckled.

“Oh yeah, didn’t really think of that. Do you have like a spare book I could borrow and then give it back tomorrow?” Arthur asked and Merlin nodded before walking over to a small set of draws by the side of his bed. He opened it and picked up the first book, which was just a book Gaius had given him about the four elements, which he hadn’t actually read that. He walked over to where Arthur was leaning on the wall and handed him the book. “A book on the four elements? And you actually read this for fun?” Arthur questioned.

“Do I read this for fun? Do I read this for fun? You are joking. I haven’t read that book once. Gaius gave it me so hopefully I could improve my skills but have you seen how big it is and I really do not care that much for the four elements you clotpole.” Merlin chuckled and Arthur laughed with him and placed the book on the small table next to him. Merlin stood next to him leaning against the same wall and they just stayed like that for a few minutes until Arthur moved and stood in front of Merlin and placed to of his arms on either side of Merlin by his head and they looked into each others eyes. Neither of them said anything but they could feel each others breath on their faces they were that close to each other. Both of them were flushed with colour and heat from being so close. They both kept glance at each other lips but neither of them said anything all they both did was stare at each other. They were then interrupted by Gaius and Arthur moved away from Merlin quickly and Merlin sighed a sigh of relief because Gaius hadn’t seen them invading each other’s person space to the maximum.

“I am just going out. I will be back in half an hour or so. I need to see a patient they have caught a disease overnight and I need to go and investigate and make sure it isn’t contagious.” Gaius told them and they both nodded before they said goodbye. They both heard the doors of the place shut behind them as Gaius walked out. They stayed silent for a few seconds making sure Gaius had actually gone before Arthur dragged Merlin down the small steps into Gaius’ workstation.

“Do you actually know what to put on my wrist?” Merlin chuckled.

“Some liquid thing and then a bandage.” Arthur said with a raised eyebrow but Merlin just laughed.

“You see that glass container with the clear liquid in?” Merlin asked Arthur considering he wasn’t allowed to move with strict instructions from Arthur. Arthur picked up the vial and handed it to Merlin before grabbing a few bandages. Arthur placed the bandages on the small table next to where Merlin was sitting. Arthur brought a stool up in front of Merlin and sat on it and then took the small vial of the clear liquid from Merlin and put it next to the bandages. Arthur then very gently rolled up Merlin’s sleeve and Merlin had to look away in disgrace because he felt bare allowing Arthur to see the cuts. “Pour a few drops of the liquid onto the cuts,” Merlin told Arthur in a small voice which came out as more of a squeak. Arthur took the small vial in his hands and took the top off of it before pouring a few drops on the cuts, which made Merlin hiss at the sting from the liquid touching the flesh. “Do you know how to put on a bandage?” Merlin asked Arthur.

“Of course I know how to do that Merlin. I’ve had to put a bandage on many times.” Arthur chuckled and Merlin laughed slightly. Arthur picked up the bandages and then wrapped Merlin’s wrist up very gently and securely.

 

Once Arthur had finished bandaging up Merlin’s wrist he put the vial back where he got it from and also put the unused bandages back before sitting in front of Merlin again. They looked at each other for a few seconds before Merlin thanked Arthur for his kindness. Arthur then took Merlin’s wrist and brought it up to his lips and very gently kissed his wrist but all the while keeping eye contact with Merlin. A small smile crept up on Merlin’s face while Arthur did this. “I should really go because Gaius would be back soon but I’ll see you tomorrow morning right?” Arthur asked and Merlin nodded. They both stood up and walked towards the door. Arthur hugged Merlin tight before he left and whispered, “Are you going to be okay?”

“Arthur I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.” Merlin smiled at him as they pulled away from the hug. Then Arthur jogged off. Merlin smiled to himself and then closed the door and then went up into his room. He noticed the book about the four elements was still on the desk. Arthur had left it the plonker, oh well. Merlin put it away before climbing into bed and going to sleep. Today had been a rather big day and it was quite exhausting for Merlin.


	3. Chapter 3

Sir Thomas had now left and Merlin and Arthur’s friendship was getting unbelievably strong. They were very close right now. Closer than they had ever been in fact. Merlin and Arthur haven’t spoken about the day in forest since they came back. None of them wanted to bring it up. In fact Arthur still has Merlin’s dagger. Merlin. Merlin has been getting better…sort of. He has the smile back on his face and he is acting a lot like his old self except now he has lots of cuts all over his stomach and thighs because Arthur only checks his wrists. Emotionally and mentally Merlin hasn’t felt any better but physically he looks perfectly fine which is the image he is trying to give off.

 

It was a new day and Merlin was just mounting Arthur and his horse for the one-day hunting trip Arthur had organised. Merlin wasn’t that pleased because something bad always happened on the hunting trips Arthur organises...

 

Arthur came running down the steps just as Merlin was finishing packing their things. It was just going to be Arthur and Merlin on the trip because Arthur said he just needed some time away but he was taking Merlin with him because he is his manservant. “Ahh, just in time Arthur” Merlin smiled and Arthur smiled back.

“You all ready?” Arthur asked Merlin and Merlin replied with a nod. “Let’s get going then, we should arrive in the prime spot for hunting by nightfall so in the morning we will begin the day of hunting, which means we’ll be sleeping in the forest tonight,” Arthur explained and Merlin nodded in agreement again. Arthur got on his horse and Merlin followed his trails.

 

<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>> 

 

Nightfall soon came and Arthur and Merlin set up for camp. Luckily the weather was pretty decent because it was summertime so there shouldn’t be a great risk of rain but the temperature was quite cool and they both shivered because it was slowly going into autumn. Merlin collected a bunch of sticks to light a fire, which were nearby where they were set up while Arthur went to get a catch for food. Merlin sat down and laid the sticks he had gathered in a pile and then he looked around and he couldn’t hear or see Arthur around anywhere so he whispered ‘ _Forbearnan’_ to light the fire quickly. Merlin then stood up with the fire near alight and he set out the bedding for both Arthur and Merlin, they were on opposite sides of the fire so they both got equal amount of warmth from the fire.

 

Arthur then stumbled back with two dead rabbits in his hands. “Looks like it’s rabbit for dinner,” Arthur announced.

“Oh I wouldn’t have guessed that,” Merlin joked sarcastically and Arthur just chuckled and then Merlin set up all the equipment to cook the rabbits. Arthur helped by putting the rabbits on the ground next to Merlin and they both picked up a rabbit each and skinned one for themselves. “Woah, what is this? Are you doing a servants job?” Merlin asked faking to be shocked.

“I’m hungry and it’s quicker for me to do my own plus I wanted to help a friend out,” Arthur smiled and Merlin smiled back.

“Well thank you Arthur,”

“No problem,” Arthur replied.

 

A few moments passed and both of them were breathing on the hot rabbit stew in their bowls to cool it down just a little bit but it did feel good to have some hot food in them when the outdoor temperature was slowly beginning to drop lower and lower as every minute passed.

 

Merlin stands up with his empty bowl in his hands and goes to collects Arthur’s as well but Arthur stops him. “You can wash the pots in the morning,” Arthur tells him and takes Merlin’s bowl off him and places it by the horses. When Arthur turns around Merlin has a confused look on his face. “What’s with that face?” Arthur chuckles.

“You. You’re confusing me. The beginning of this year you have been so kind to me and all friendly and touchy and am I missing something? It’s confusing me Arthur. This time last year you would have made me wash those pots right now but this year you’re allowing me to do it in the morning. Why is that?” Merlin asks wanting answers.

“Well let’s just say my feelings towards you have grown over the last months,” Arthur admitted. Merlin felt like his heart had just stopped.

“Feelings?” Merlin managed to splutter out.

“Yes Merlin feelings. Emotions. I have feelings f-for you M-Merlin,” Arthur stuttered and walked towards Merlin.

“You’re not joking right? Please tell me you’re not joking.” Merlin pleaded and then Arthur was stood right in front of Merlin.

“I’m not joking,” Arthur sincerely told Merlin. Their eyes met and they both caught their breath.

“That’s good then because A-Arthur I also have um, I have er…” Merlin trailed off.

“You have?” Arthur prompted.

“I have feelings for you too Arthur,” Merlin quickly said and then a big smile was attached to Arthur’s face and it leaked from Arthur’s face to Merlin. Both of them feel like warm sensation flowing through their whole body.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Arthur warned Merlin.

“I kind of guessed that,” Merlin chuckled and then Arthur and Merlin’s lips touched, only lightly to start off with. Merlin automatically kissed Arthur back and they pulled away and looked at each other.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for ages.” Arthur admitted and he felt his skin heat up and Merlin could see Arthur blushing even under the little light they have. Merlin replied with a yawn which made both of them laugh out loud. “And I think it’s time for bedtime for someone.” Arthur cooed.

“Okay, okay, I might be a couple of years younger than you but I’m not a baby.” Merlin pouted and Arthur returned the pout with a fond smile which did warm things to the inside of Merlin. These are the times when Merlin isn’t battling with his mind. When Merlin can relax.

 

They both settled down, wrapped up in each other and fell asleep with the fire crackling in the background.

 

<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>> 

 

It had been a few weeks passed since the hunting trip and even though on that particular night Merlin felt relaxed and sane he was back to his usual ways within a day back in Camelot. Merlin was still smiling and still laughing and Arthur was _still_ checking Merlin’s wrists. It began to annoy Merlin even though he knew Arthur thought well. Merlin hadn’t put a blade to his wrist since the night Arthur found him the forest but that doesn’t mean Merlin hasn’t stopped self harming. His thighs and stomach are always sore from the new cuts, the scabs, the scars. However Merlin’s magic heels up the scars 5 times quicker than someone without magic. The scars have now left his wrist but Merlin suddenly feels empty without them. He feels like the slices on his body should be tattooed on because of how worthless he actually is to the world. Of course Arthur doesn’t know any of this.

 

Merlin was sat at the table with Gaius eating dinner while reading a book. Merlin could feel Gaius’ gaze burning through him. Merlin looked up and caught eyesight with Gaius and Gaius raised one of his famous one eyebrow raises and Merlin looked back down at the book. Merlin suddenly felt a couple of his cuts on his stomach become itchy again. They usually do this when they are scabbing over and sometimes the itching comes overbearing meaning he sometimes scratches off the scab and it starts bleeding again but the sight of Merlin’s own blood pouring out of his own body is relaxing. Merlin thinks he has officially gone insane but he just keeps himself to himself and doesn’t want to both anyone with these unimportant emotions. Merlin moved one of his hands down to the bottom of his ribcage and began scratching. Merlin finished his soup and began to stand up when Gaius gasped. Merlin looked at him confused. “M-Merlin” Gaius stuttered.

“Gaius what is the matter?” He asked.

“Can’t you feel any pain?” Gaius asked and Merlin stared at him in confusion. What is Gaius on about? Merlin shook his head and began walking to his room again. “Merlin stop right there boy. Look at your stomach.” Merlin looked down and saw that while scratching his scabs a few minutes ago he had taken off the scabs and he had bled with his t-shirt soaking up the blood and Gaius had obviously saw.

“Oh”

“Yes oh Merlin. Didn’t your mind send you signals that you were bleeding and you should be feeling pain?” Gaius honestly asked him.

“I’m currently battling my mind. I don’t think it’s safe to make sure it’s working correctly and keeping me sane.” Merlin shrugged and carried on walking.

“MERLIN!” Gaius shouted and Merlin jumped in shock. Gaius hadn’t shouted at him like that in years. “My dear boy, what’s gotten into you? What do you mean your mind isn’t sane? How can you not feel pain? I need to clean up that blood seeping through your clothes and then you can tell me how just by scratching yourself you can bleed.” Gaius said while walking towards Merlin but Merlin walked around Gaius and just missed his grip before walking into his room with hurry. Merlin took a few deep breaths in and out while he leant against the door and lifted up his shirt. He could see the red contrasting with his pale skin and then Gaius’ knock on his door interrupted him and he cursed under his breath.

“Gaius I’m fine. Just let me be. Please.” Merlin called out.

“Merlin you are bleeding.” Gaius’ stern words made Merlin flinch slightly.

“I have been living with you for 5 years now. I think I know how to look after myself. It isn’t blood on my shirt its wine. I spilt it down me earlier when serving Arthur his dinner. Please stop worrying and thinking of the worse possible situation. I’m f-fine” Merlin stuttered towards the end but he felt like his lie was brought through with boldness and hopefully sounded like the truth.

“Merlin you can never lie to me. I will get to the end of this. In the morning I shall be asking questions.” Gaius warned him and then Merlin could hear Gaius move away from the door.

 

Merlin changed into his nightclothes and settled in bed. He looked around up at the ceiling and sighed. He really is in some bother now Gaius is involved. How will he cover himself now without Gaius telling Arthur to watch him. Merlin closed his eyes and before he knew it. It was morning.

<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>> 

 

Merlin woke up and pulled himself out of bed for another day. Merlin sat on his bed and memories of last night rolled into his head. He began to panic because Gaius wanted to talk this morning and Merlin didn’t know what to do or say. He can’t physically lie to Gaius no matter how hard he tried. Gaius knows Merlin too well. Gaius knows Merlin like his own son. Merlin stood up and picked up some clean clothes and began getting changed. He changed his trousers first before pulling up his top to change. However today there was a loud gasp just as he was changing his shirts over. Merlin quickly changed his t-shirt and glanced at the door to see Gaius staring wide eyed at Merlin. “M-Merlin,” Gaius stuttered.

“Gaius…lovely morning isn’t it?” Merlin fake smiled and shrugged the thought out of his mind that Gaius has just seen all his scars and cuts all over his stomach.

“Merlin what on Earth happened to you?” Gaius worriedly asked.

“Oh me? Nothing happened to me? I am perfectly fine. I am wonderful in fact. Absolutely perfectly wonderful, as good as I’ll ever be. I’m-” Merlin babbled.

“Merlin your stomach. Those scars. Those cuts. What happened? You are not fine. You must be in pain!” Gaius interrupted rushing to Merlin’s side. Merlin tried to get out of Gaius’ grip. “Merlin stand still. I need to examine you and make sure nothing is infected.” Merlin just shrugged off Gaius’ kind gestures and rushed out down the steps and Gaius followed.

“Gaius they’re not infected and I would tell you if they were. It doesn’t matter how I got them it happens. I’m fine. I’m brilliant and I’m going to wake up Arthur. Don’t wait up for me tonight.” Merlin quickly told Gaius.

“Merlin why won’t you let anyone in?”

“Because I can’t. Bye Gaius.” Merlin sighed and rushed out leaving Gaius in confusion and worry for the rest of the day.

 

<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>> 

 

Arthur was just walking to see Gaius to ask if he had seen Merlin at all today because he hadn’t seen him since the morning and it was now getting to lunch and Arthur wanted to let Merlin know that he wouldn’t be having lunch today because he has got a lot of paperwork to get round to doing.

 

Arthur walked up the familiar steps and saw Gaius working at his desk and sorting through the potions and other mixture of things. “Gaius, I don’t suppose you’ve seen Merlin have you?” Arthur asked making Gaius jump.

“Gosh Arthur don’t creep up on me like that,” Gaius shook his head and turned to look at Arthur.

“Sorry, but have you seen Merlin? The last I saw of him was breakfast and I want to let him know that I won’t be having any lunch today because of the amount of paperwork I have to do.”

“I haven’t seen him this m-morning.” Gaius stuttered and Arthur began to get confused as to why Gaius stuttered.

“Are you alright Gaius?” Arthur asked walking towards him.

“Fine,” Gaius said and turned around and carried on with his work.

“Gaius are you sure? This isn’t like you.”

“Arthur” Gaius sighed. “It’s Merlin” he added and sat down on the nearest stool.

“What about him?” Arthur asked with worry flowing throughout his entire body.

“Sit down boy,” and Arthur obeyed Gaius and pulled up the nearest stool near Gaius and sat down on it. “Last night Merlin was scratching his s-stomach and then when he stood up I saw blood on his shirt but he just lied and told me it was wine he had spilt at dinner with you-” Gaius began.

“We didn’t have wine last night, we drank water instead.” Arthur interrupted; Gaius knew that Merlin shares Arthur’s food now Arthur is guessing.

“So that confirms that he lied to me. I didn’t understand how Merlin had began to bleed on his stomach just from scratching but then this m-morning…” Gaius trailed off and Arthur placed a comforting hand on his arm to help him carry on. “This morning Arthur, oh my gosh, this morning I walked in on Merlin getting changed and h-he was changing from his night top into his day top when I s-saw. I saw these scars and cuts all over his stomach, like a knife had been carving into him. I just d-don’t understand how they got there. I don’t understand, now Merlin won’t let me in and I haven’t seen him since this morning and I’m worried Arthur, I’m worried about what he’s going to do.” Gaius told Arthur in almost a whisper. Arthur pulled Gaius into a hug and Gaius was shocked by the sudden affection because Arthur has hugged him in years, not since he was a young boy.

“I’ll find him Gaius. I’ll talk with him. I’ll make sure he is fine and unharmed. I’ll send Merlin straight to you once I’ve spoken to him. Gaius do not fret.” Arthur whispered.

“Thank you Arthur.” Gaius said and pulled out of the hug and Arthur said his goodbye before searching for Merlin.

 

<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>> 

 

Merlin was in Arthur’s room re-doing his bed when Arthur walked in after searching for Merlin. “Ahh Arthur just in time. I was just about to go and get you lunch.” Merlin greeted Arthur and began to walk out of the room when Arthur stopped him.

“I’m not having lunch. I have too much to do.” Arthur’s strained voice choked out the words.

“Are you alright Arthur?”

“No are you alright Merlin?” Arthur replied.

“You can’t answer my question with another question you prat.” Merlin chuckled but then Merlin looked into Arthur’s eyes and his smile fell off his face. “Arthur are you sure you’re alright?” Merlin asked and placed a hand on his upper arm but Arthur just shrugged him off and pushed him gently aside before walking and sitting down behind his desk. Arthur put his head in hands and took some deep breaths trying to call him down. “Arthur?” Merlin whispered and Arthur knew that he was stood in front of his desk. “Arthur please talk to me. What’s happened? Why are you avoiding my questions and hardly speaking?” But Merlin was only given silence as a reply. “Arthur” Merlin sighed. Arthur took a few deep breaths in before mumbling to himself. “What was that?”

“I said. How’s your stomach Merlin?” Arthur said through his teeth trying to calm himself down.

“Huh?”

“Your stomach Merlin. I went to see Gaius and he told me all about how he walked in on you this morning getting changed and what he saw on your stomach. All those scars and cuts and he was asking me with worry in his voice about how they got there and he didn’t understand how. Merlin. Merlin you promised me you stopped.” Arthur blurted out and looked at Merlin dead in the eye.

“Oh…you weren’t meant to find out.” Merlin whispered before looking at the floor.

“I wasn’t meant to find out? You mean you would have kept this from me? How long? How long have you still been doing it?”

“The same day we came back after the last hunting trip” Merlin gulped and stared at the floor some more not lifting his gaze to see Arthur.

“You mean? You mean all this time that I’ve been checking your wrists YOU HAVE BEEN BLOODY SLICING YOUR STOMACH TO PIECES!” Arthur exclaimed making Merlin jump. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to shout Merlin.” Arthur apologised straight away and tried to hold Merlin’s hand but Merlin twisted out of his grip.

“Arthur you have to know that this is hard for me? The pain. The p-pain it’s like an addiction.”

“How can you possibly be addicted to pain. It’s pain Merlin. It’s meant to bloody hurt and be horrible. You can’t possibly be addicted to it.” Arthur scoffed and Merlin glared at Arthur.

“Arthur you don’t have my mind. You don’t understand how hard it is to battle with your own mind and addiction as well as smile for everyone, laugh for everyone, do all your bloody chores, help Gaius out as well as keep myself alive and living. You don’t understand how hard that is Arthur!” Merlin exclaimed and Merlin’s eyes widen with shock at the fact that he has just nearly shouted at Arthur.

“Let me understand then Merlin for goodness sake LET ME IN!” Arthur shouted again.

“I CAN’T LET YOU IN IF THIS IS HOW YOU’RE GOING TO BLOODY WELL BEHAVE WHEN I FAIL YOU!”

“YOU HAVEN’T FAILED ME! STOP SAYING YOU HAVE FAILED! JUST STOP BEING SO DEPRESSED AND SMILE AND THINK POSITIVE FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE MERLIN!” Arthur shouted back and curled his hands into fists on the table. Both of them were fuming with anger at the other person. Neither of them knew how to understand each other.

“YES! HAHA! YES THAT’S ABOUT RIGHT. ‘STOP BEING SO DEPRESSED MERLIN AND SMILE AND THINK POSITIVE FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE MERLIN’. DON’T YOU THINK THAT’S WHAT I DO EVERYDAY YOU TWAT! THAT’S WHAT I TRY SO HARD TO DO AND YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO DO THAT ARTHUR! YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!” Merlin snarled and started to walk back. “Just because your life is so perfect it doesn’t mean everyone else’s is.” Merlin hissed and that made Arthur hit the roof. He smashed his fist on the table making Merlin jumped in surprise.

“YOU THINK MY LIFE IS BLOODY WELL PERFECT? WOW! WOW YOU REALLY KNOW NOTHING AT ALL DO YOU MERLIN! MAYBE YOU ARE JUST A STUPID, RECKLESS OF AN IDIOT SERVANT. YOU CAN’T DO YOUR JOB RIGHT AND YOU CAN’T EVEN KEEP YOURSELF SANE FROM THIS SO CALLED ADDICTION OF PAIN! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND YOU IF YOU ARE BEING SUCH A PESSIMIST ALL THE TIME!”

“If I mean so little to you then maybe I might as well die.” Merlin whispered and turns to run out of Arthur soon and soon he was gone and Arthur’s mind caught up with what just happened. Arthur had just insulted Merlin to the maximum and Merlin thinks he should die and that Arthur doesn’t care about him. Arthur pushed everything of the table hit one of his bedposts in anger. What had he just done? He needs to find Merlin and apologise…immediately.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for not uploading this chapter for ages but I had my exams and then I found out I ended up failing all of them so I wasn't in the mood to carry it on and I had writer's block but here it is. The final chapter, enjoy.

 

Merlin is running down the corridors of the palace and kept running until he stormed through the door to get to his own room when Gaius was still working and Merlin’s loud entrance shocked him. “Merlin? My boy, are you alright?” Gaius asked and Merlin shook his head and walked over to him.

“Gaius just to let you know that I think of you as a father and I respect you and that I love you like a father and please tell my mother I love her to. I just came to say goodbye. I’ll miss you and my mother. I lost the battle with my mind and I’m terribly sorry I wasn’t strong enough but I love you and don’t you forget that. I’m sorry I failed you.” Merlin blurted out quickly and gave Gaius a tight hug.

“Merlin? Merlin what are you on about?” Gaius frantically asked and caught Merlin’s arm.

“I n-need to leave Gaius. I will _fall.”_ Merlin slipped out of his grip and turned on his heel and hurriedly walked out of the room away from Gaius’ voice asking what he meant by fall. Merlin was making his way to the top of the castle when he bumped into Gwen.

“Merlin there you are! Arthur is looking for you!” She exclaimed. Merlin laughed harshly before seeing Gwen’s frown and his face turned blank.

“Gwen I am so sorry and you have done so much for me and I have failed you. Please tell Lance, Leon, Gwaine and everyone else that I am sorry and I will miss you.” Merlin teary eyed and hugged Gwen before adding “Goodbye” and running off leaving Gwen stunned by what just happened in such a short moment.

 

Merlin knew loads of short cuts around the castle and managed to get to the highest peak of the castle possible. He slowly walked to the small wall and peered over the edge and his heart jumped into his throat. The adrenaline was running through him. He knew he had to do this. The voices were telling him to do it. No one wanted him here not even Arthur. He stepped up and looked down onto the courtyard below. Merlin’s whole body was shaking with fear and adrenaline. He took one deep breathe and was about to step into the thin air when he heard a familiar voice shout “Merlin please stop!” It was Arthur.

<<<<<>>>>> 

 

“If I mean so little to you then maybe I might as well die.” Merlin whispered and turns to run out of Arthur soon and soon he was gone and Arthur’s mind caught up with what just happened. Arthur had just insulted Merlin to the maximum and Merlin thinks he should die and that Arthur doesn’t care about him. Arthur pushed everything of the table hit one of his bedposts in anger. What had he just done? He needs to find Merlin and apologise…immediately. Arthur threw open his chamber door and looked at both directions of the corridor to see if he could see Merlin but he wasn’t there. Arthur brushed his hands through his hair before turning left and racing u and down the corridor.

Arthur was getting weird looks from everyone he passed. Arthur was trying to think where Merlin might have gone but he was worrying too much about what Merlin was getting doing or what he was about to do.

He pushed off on a fast pace again until he saw Gwen he ran up to her and she was surprised by Arthur’s presence. “Arthur? Are you alright?” She asked.

“Have you seen Merlin at all?” He asked.

“I haven’t seen him since yesterday sorry,” She apologised.

“Argh! Um, alright then, see you in a bit” Arthur groaned and decided to run to Gaius and Merlin’s place. Maybe Merlin was with Gaius?

 

He rushed past everyone until he reached Gaius’ place and he stormed in making Gaius jump out of his seat. “Arthur!” Gaius exclaimed.

“Gaius, have you seen Merlin!?” Arthur exclaimed frantically.

“Yes, he just came in and a few minutes ago he said g-goodbye to me. Why was he doing that? Where is he going? He said he was going to _fall_ ” Gaius asked.

“I’ll find him Gaius, I’ll bring him back. Do not fret.” Arthur said quickly and rushed back out. He hated leaving Gaius in that state but Arthur needs to find Merlin, and quickly.

 

Arthur stopped in the middle of the courtyard, breathing heavily. Gaius said something about _fall._ Fall. Falling. Fall down? Fall…JUMP! Jump, Jumping off something. The tower! Arthur raced up the closest tower first hoping that this was the one Merlin was up.

Running up what felt like thousands and thousands of stairs he finally reached the top and he saw Merlin. He was about to step off the edge. “Merlin please stop!” Arthur shouted and Merlin froze foot in the air. A stone cold silence passed for a few seconds before Merlin placed his foot back on the wall and looked over at Arthur. He could see the fear and worry in his eyes. “Merlin, please, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry about what I said! Please just step down from the edge and lets talk about this before you do something irrational.” Arthur pleaded.

“Irrational? Irrational? You prat! I’m not stepping off this edge. You don’t understand the voices and darkness I feel. I’m crazy and crazy people should die. I shouldn’t be here. You don’t understand and you just call my actions _irrational?_ How bloody obnoxious of you.” Merlin spat and turned his back on Arthur.

“Then let me understand. Tell me everything. Tell me and help me understand. I love you and I don’t know what I’d do if I l-lose you Merlin. You mean everything to me. I can’t lose you. I need you to let me him. Help me to understand so I can help you!” Arthur begged.

“y-you love me?” Merlin voice whispered and Arthur only just heard what he said.

“Yes of course and I want to help you.”

“But it’ll be hard and you can’t keep shouting at me and no, no, no, I can’t put you through all that. It’ll be easier if I just-” Merlin started saying before Arthur interrupted.

“If you say it’ll be easier if you just jump then I will be annoyed because you don’t understand. I love you so much, and if you die then I won’t be able to carry on myself.” Arthur said and took some slow steps towards Merlin, not making any rushed movements because he doesn’t want to startle Merlin.

“I’ll be such a pain, we’ll argue, you’ll get annoyed.” Merlin excused.

“We might argue but that’s what couples do. Couples argue but they get through it and I am here for you. I will help you get through it like I’ve said but you got to let me him okay?” Arthur whispered and Merlin looked into his eyes. Arthur could see all the fear, worry and pain in their blue eyes just before tears were spilling out of them and Merlin had stepped off the wall into Arthur’s arms crying and Arthur held Merlin close. “We’ll get through this together. I’m here. Everything’s going to get sorted out. Everything will be perfect very soon I promise.”

“I love you,” Merlin whispered into Arthurs neck.

“I love you too”


End file.
